I Learned to Reparent Myself by...

No one WANTS to change, but change is inevitable and healing is a choice.

What a day to be alive! Romans 12:1, I give the Lord myself as a living sacrifice. He wants nothing more than my heart, which he has. Does he have yours?

The world is so lost an confused. We have individuals who have no idea who they are and we have individuals who would rather drown in their sorrows, than swim. Which are you? To reparent yourself, is to heal the wounds, which others created in your youth, so you no longer have to experience life looking through the Painful Lens of areas you or God ever created. However, our adult selves will partner/ attach with these beliefs, which is why we are who we are today, unhealed and blinded by pain.

I believe by now you know I have not had a great childhood. Quick recap if you are new here, like most humans, I was the first born. I was the first to be ignored, to be blamed/ shamed, to be too loud or in the way. I was the first to not be enough or have everything completed before mom got home. The first to grow up to fast to be a parent to my little sister, as the world around us turned to chaos. I was the first to see what sex was, with little to zero understanding. I was the only one who experienced it too young. Yes, that was a recap.

Well, the point of this blog is to tell you how I got to where I am today. First, it was not and has not been an easy road to travel, with many mistakes to be made. Personally, I did not want easy, I wanted permanent. The sight of my parents arguing, my alcoholic dad coming home, hearing my mom scream from The other room, and the many other woman who came an went, was enough for me to opt out. However, as history repeats itself, I did go after everything, to an extent, I did not want. I shoved most of my pain away. Every negative, loud and chaotic memory I could. I was a suffer in silence type. It showed up in every relationship/ fling I was in. Reaching outside myself for unconditional love, later to know it was highly conditional and made me sacrifice more of who I was. "JUST LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE YOU!!" The more I sacrificed, the more I attached myself to what others said I was. I did not know at the time what triggers, narcissism, manipulation, fancy words and shame really was, until I did. I could not point out the first turning point, but I knew something had to change. While Active Duty Army, I started going to school for Psychology, so I could "therapy" myself out of this hot mess of my life. Deployment came then went and I knew if was to die, I would not be satisfied. Second, I experienced the party life, the drinking, the trying to fit in, killing myself at the gym, thinking I had to be desirable no matter the cost and only to realize, this is also not me. I grew up in the Church, I went to youth camp, I read pieces of the Bible, but it was not the same experience as it is now. Later, I found out there was such a thing called 'Church Pain.' Which makes a whole lot more sense today and what is still in the process of being healed. Anyways, after the realization I was not who these individuals wanted me to be, I actively separated myself. The awareness kicked in of feeling and knowing there is something more to what I am.

Second, I lost more friends once I started to discover who I really was and my purpose in this life. The fact of the matter was I no longer craved the worldly pleasures in material things, money or this thought of working to just die, without ever enjoying life in the now. The cold hard truth is you will naturally no longer be attracted to the old groups of friends, and even family, like you use to. Although, I do not regret the choices I have made up to this point ,mainly because I not only made mistakes, but I learned from them. I pray many do. It was time to move on. By this point in my life, I did not realize I was already reparenting myself. I was getting to the root of the current darkness in my life, and healing it. By staying away, I was making room for Papa to come into my life. Lastly, this process has not stopped and continues today. The pain comes up from childhood only my body remembers. Sometimes, the anger and trauma come crashing down out of nowhere. The only difference between when I started, to now, is I do not face it alone.

The skill that heals is sitting in the pain we want to so deeply suppress. Building trust with ourselves again to make skillful decisions, long or short-term. It is not easy but learning patience, compassion, unconditional love and even empathy, which we were never taught, is the trick to the art. Reparenting is being our own adult, whom we needed terribly, in those tough moments, leading to healing and not bleeding onto others, who we love. This can look like arguing with our spouse, screaming at our kids and being set off by EVERYTHING. Trust me, this type of behavior is not "normal." Learning to let unconditional love, compassion, patience and true empathy into those deep dark ugly places, will lead to awareness when those big emotions come up. No one wants to relive their pain, but know there is someone who understands pain, God/Jesus. I know what I went through will never compare to what he did, but I also know God can empathize, love, have patience and compassion in those memories or emotions. He knows what you are feeling, down to the very core of your being. Regardless of being insightful and unlocking a door, schooling was not enough and I did six months, to a year, of heart work connection with God, through the Alive & Free Consulting program. Sammy and Spencer Robbins taught me many techniques to keep going long after the program ended. It was not perfect, we are all just human, but it did give me a more stable foundation to know what to do in big emotions, yes like a child, and how to open myself to Papa, so he can be my Parent.

Thanks to the transforming of my mind and heart, the most powerful parts of you, I am happily married and continue my daily healing walk with God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me- Philippians 4:13.

There is so much more I would love to discuss, however, most of it would have to be a one on one conversation. Sessions spiritually led can lead you back to your authentic self. Papa may have not stopped the pain initially, but he is here to wipe those tears and get you back on your feet. Your pain did not happen overnight, so your healing will not either. However, by working through reachable goals, one step or even a crawl at a time, could make all the difference. Reach out if you are interested, but in the meantime, I pray this gave you some hope. Love you much! Talk again soon.